Airline humor

[bubba]

I've seen this before, but still find it amusing... '>

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the
next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[SIGNGUY]

That is hilarious....
Thanks for sharing...

[MoonDawg]

This came across my desk yesterday, had to add it here.

     For all you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one's for you.
     An award should go to the United Airlines agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
      A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
      Suddenley an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said " I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS !
     The agent replied "I am sorry sir, I'll be happy to try and help you but I've got to help these folks out first, and I'm sure we'll work something out"
      The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so the passengers behind him could hear, " DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? "
        Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, " May I have your attention please, we have a passenger here at gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14"
        The displaced folks behind him were barely trying to control their laughter when he decided to get in the last word!
He looked her in the eye and loudly exclaimed "SCREW YOU"
        Without flinching, the pretty young agent smiled and said  "I'm sorry sir.........you'll have to wait in line for that too!

[collecture]

Reminds me of a joke I heard a long time ago.
A guy was standing in line at a bank.
The man behind him shouted to hurry up.
The guy turned around and said, "Just who do you think you are?"
The man said, "I am J.W. Greenfield - everybody knows me".
The guy said, "I doubt that".
J.W. said "I'll prove it to you"
J.W.'s chauffer drove them to the airport and they flew to Washington, D.C. and then went to the White House. The President met them at the door and said "Hi J.W. - how are you?"
The guy was shocked.
Next they flew to Rome. The Pope was speaking that day, so J.W. said "For security reasons, I can't take you with me - but if you look next to the Pope when he comes out, I'll be standing next to him".
After a while, the Pope came out to speak with another guy by his side. The guy was way back in the large crowd and couldn't quite make out the person next to the Pope up there on the balcony of the Vatican. He turned to the girl next to him and said, "Can you tell me who that is next to the Pope up there".
The girl said, "I don't know who that is in the white hat, but that man next to him is J.W. Greenfield"