Joke Thread

[BONOVOX]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

 After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

 After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

 “No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

[Blind1968]

I love that joke.    Here is the video for it, you know everything is ALWAYS funner with monkeys!  

http://s128.photobucket.com/user/manwellafsp/media/Monkey.mp4.html

[mznb1u]

So this Irishman walks out of a bar.   .  .   . It could happen!

Tim

[Kilroy]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[Creighton]

http://www.ahajokes.com/bar_jokes.html

Creighton

[BrianS]

Before going to see his psychiatrist, a patient strips completely naked and wraps himself in nothing but saran wrap.  He then throughs on an overcoat and heads to his appointment.  When the receptionist announces the doctor is ready, he proceeds into the office, throws his coat onto the couch, and asks the doc "Well, what do you think?"  The doctor looks up from his desk, pauses for a moment and responds,  "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

[BONOVOX]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.


She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy,
bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.


She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."


The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain
biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker
asks her "You have a bike?"


The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and
points to a Harley parked in the driveway.


The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"


The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of
cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."


The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked
up by the Fuzz?"


The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the
fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[BONOVOX]

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.

 If he wants sex, do not resist, do not complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

 To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

[flippa]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked my wife.

 "No," I said.

 She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled
 out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

 "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

 "No," I said.

 She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her pants and
 pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

 "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

 "No," I said, intrigued.

 "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
   

[flippa]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper