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Creighton
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« on: June 08, 2007, 02:37:28 am » |
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against that Freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes
you to say, "Yeou shoot...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
9/16 or ?? socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire
wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of
work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years
ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used
to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Experienced home handy
folks primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging
pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling "DAMN IT" at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the tool that you will need next.
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